The Wife

Wrote 'The Wife' in 1985 and recorded it (in part) in January 2018.

"With the feel for self-effacement 
That Elizabeth Taylor possesses; 
With the subtlety and understatement 
Of one of Sarah Ferguson's dresses; 
With the grace and charm of a cricketer's box, 
The intangible somethings of Samantha Fox 
And the 'Je ne sais quoi' of Page 3, 
I have to tell you, dearest, 
You're much too good for me. 

With all the elegance of a one-legged hippo 
In a tutu doing the splits; 
And the cool electric aura 
Of a suck on a stingray's tits..."

The following lines are not included in the recorded version of 'The Wife:' 

"With the pastel sweep of a pastoral purity 
Personified by a row of pit houses; 
And the lingering magic of a month-old turd, 
Long forgotten in an old tramp's trousers; 
With the megawatt talents of a Pia Zadora 
And the comedic gift of a bog 'out of order,' 
What else can you do but adore her? 

Forward, backward, sideways, jump, 
Up and down and over, 
Make sure you keep well to the Right, 
'Cos on the Left the red bugs'll bite, 
As sure as my name's 'Rover'... 

Mysterious, deep, unfathomable, 
So difficult to get near, 
Was that a warm, sweet nothing 
Or a fragrant perfume puffing 
In the vicinity of my ear, 
From out your enormous rear? 

At the pitiful sight of a cowering cock, 
With the tooth-scraping humour of a pissed off croc, 
You caustically sneer, 
'Let's face it, my dear, 
You should be wearing a frock'!"